I always wanted a big family.
I am an only child so I always told myself I would have 2 or 3 kids so we can fill the house with chaos and love… While I never wanted to be married young I never thought twice about my life not going in the direction my dreams did. But then again no one ever does I suppose. I met my husband in my late twenties and we were married 5 years after that. We wanted to get everything out of our system so to speak before we settled down and started a family. I got off birth control a few months before our wedding because I figured it might take longer since I had been on it since 19. So we started trying and were so excited to finally be able to fulfill our dream of a big family.
After a year and no baby my GYN suggested I have a consultation with an RE (REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST). We made an appointment at IVF Florida. At that appointment we were told our insurance will not cover anything under the clause of infertility. Everything would have to be out of pocket. Only about 20% of insurance plans have some type of coverage for INFERTILITY which is mind boggling to me. INFERTILITY is a medical condition. It made no sense to us. However the bombs kept falling. After all the tests the RE required were done, I was diagnosed with DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve).
DOR is a condition in which the ovary loses its normal reproductive potential, compromising fertility. The condition may result from disease or injury, but most commonly occurs as a result of normal aging. And for me it was Idiopathic (this means that there is no apparent cause). I was so thrown back by this I was numb for the rest of the appointment. I was told I had a 10% chance of having a child naturally. IVF would be our only alternative. I went through so many emotions. Shock, anger and honestly – I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed my body couldn’t do the one thing it’s supposed to do! After an undoubtedly difficult and heartbreaking year we went ahead and moved forward with our journey of IVF.
We went through three cycles of IVF. The first was cancelled because I was not reacting to the medications and my doctor decided to up my meds as high as possible. The second cycle resulted in the most eggs I produced to date which was six, resulting in one perfect Embryo. We implanted the day of my husband’s birthday. I prayed so hard for this wish for him. But it was not our time yet. The third cycle was the most stressful of all because in all honesty we did not have another $35,000 laying around. It was now or never. I only produced half of what I did the cycle before but my RE kept reassuring me that all we needed was one good one.
And finally after a long bumpy road we were blessed with our daughter.
I never in a million years thought that I would belong to this ” Club”. The “Community ” that no one wants or chooses to be a part of. The thing about infertility is that it never goes away. It is something that most of us live with forever even after we have our rainbow or miracle baby. This changes you. It makes you stronger and it gives you lessons that stay with you for the rest of your life. Infertility has taught me vulnerability, strength and most of all patience. This journey is a hard one and one thing I can tell anyone who is going through it or about to begin it is this:
- Nothing will go as planned.
- There will be bumps, even hills at times.
- Nothing will be in the time table we desire.
- Release your expectations and go with it head on.
- We are AMAZING and RESILIENT.
- We can do this.
As I look back in these years of trying I am thankful for each step that brought us to where we are today. I no longer feel the shame that consumed me. Instead, I am wrapped in gratefulness, love, faith and excitement for what our life with our daughter will be. Sometimes that little spark starts to waiver, especially with wanting to give her a sibling but I choose to have faith that our story is not done yet and one day we will hold our second little miracle.